mi dulce y mi pan

I wished that i never say you cry...now i wish i could see just the slightest emotion in you.
I've decided i wont act anymore...i've accepted who i was, i've embraced who i want to be, and i wont struggle for you to see me anymore.
The thing is...Im nothing right now...im in between what Ill be, and what i was, and im scared...and im alone, but its ok, because for the first time im not "alone and accepting it", Im just plain OK. I cant say im the happiest person on the face of earth, but i can say that im in peace with my sorroundings.
I wouldve really liked, though that youd hug me just because...that u'd kiss, not because it makes you want to fuck me, but because you love. That you wouldve taken ur time just to sit ans talk to me, just turn off the tv and talk to me, just wake up and talk to me. I know, i have the impaired judgment of thinking that everything wrong around me, is my fault...but i know, i wasnt so easy on you, that you probably got scared of my so demanding attitude and u probably got tired...of me acting so bossy around you, and being so self rightous. and u started doing things on purpose to me. But it wouldve been nice u understood that i've never wanted anything bad for you. that all this time, i just wanted for you to do good in school, for you to get along with ur dad, for you respect yourself, for you to learn that i never loved anyone better, or better intentions of making their life perfect, but maybe thats not what you asked for, and maybe its none of my business to fix your life, maybe i shouldve just loved you instead. but i tried to be different, but different was killing us, and i never saw it until we died.
Its something i had to learn from, to change for my own well-being.
I look back and think, i wouldve done so many things differently..i guess its kinda late now.

<>tropico de capricornio

..."Muchas veces el ejemplo es mas eficaz que las palabras para conmover los corazones de hombres y mujeres, como tambien para mitigar sus penas. Por eso, como yo tambien he conocido el consuelo proporcionado por la conversacion con alguien que fue testigo de ellas, me propongo ahora escribir sobre los sufrimientos provocados por mis desventuras para quien, aun estando ausente, siempre sabe dar consuelo. Lo hago para que, al comparar tus penas con las mias, descubras que las tuyas no son nada verdaderamente, o a lo sumo de poca monta, y asi podras soportarlas mas facilmente." Introduccion a Historia Calamitatum

So here it goes:

:Nunca ayude a nadie con la esperanza de que sirviera de algo;
Ayudaba porque no podia dejar de hacerlo. Me parecia inutil cambiar el estado de cosas;
estaba convencida de que nada cambiaria, sin un cambio de corazon, y quien podria cambiar el corazon del hombre?

Desde el principio mismo debi haberme ejercitado en no desear nada demasiado ardientemente. Desde el principio mismo, fui independiente, pero de forma falsa. No necesitaba a nadie porque queria ser libre, ibre para ser y dar solo lo que dictaran mis caprichos. En cuanto esperaban algo de mi o me lo pedian, me plantaba.
Esa fue la unica forma que adopto mi independencia.
En otras palabras, estaba corrompida, corrompida desde el principio.
Por mi parte, nunca he hecho un esfuerzo. Si parecia que hacia un esfuerzo era solo para agradar a alguien; en el fondo, creo que realmente no me importa.

un-understanding

i cant understand what is it about fear. I have fear of everything. Its my ride through life...but how can i get rid of panic? That feeling that makes me not wanna move from the spot im in... im tired of it, but i dont know how to over come it...